Why are we so weird about death? Bringing death more visibly into the cultural fold.

As a death doula, I’m always asking the question: Why are we so weird about death? Every time I bring up my work at a dinner party, the reaction is the same—a mix of awe, discomfort, and wide eyes. 

Let’s face it—the American death culture is dysfunctional. Just this month I attended a wellness event in Los Angeles where Bryan Johnson, founder of Don’t Die, promised his eager audience that biological aging and dying are outright unnecessary. It’s as if acknowledging mortality is an act of treason against the preferred “live forever” mindset. 

When death does arrive, it’s too often treated like a medical failure with its spiritual significance neglected. American funerals are traditionally somber, hurried affairs of dry-eyed propriety, with the deceased cremated or tucked away in a sealed coffin. There’s little room for lingering, grieving, or celebrating the life that was. Contrast this with other countries, where death is woven into the fabric of life.

In Mexico, Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) isn’t just a sugar-rush holiday; it’s a joyful, colorful celebration of ancestors. Families build altars adorned with photos, marigolds, and favorite foods, welcoming the spirits of their departed loved ones. Death isn’t something to be feared, it’s something to be honored.

In Indonesia, the Toraja people take this a step further. They keep the mummified bodies of their deceased relatives at home for up to years. The dead remain part of daily life until an elaborate funeral is held. It’s a stark reminder that death isn’t a disappearance, it’s a continuation.

In parts of Europe, like the Netherlands, people approach death with refreshing pragmatism. Many have death dossiers that outline their wishes for the end of life, sparing families from guesswork. Talking about death over coffee isn’t considered morbid, it’s considered responsible.

These other death cultures beg me to question—how could we benefit by bringing death more wholly into the cultural fold? As Stephen Jenkinson, the author of Die Wise, poetically argues, “Seeing the end of your life is the birth of your ability to love being alive. It is the cradle of your love of life.” 

The irony is, by avoiding death, we potentially miss out on life’s richest experiences, including a dignified death. When we shy away from death, we also shy away from realistic conversations that can bring us closer to our loved ones. 

Sheldon Solomon, a social psychologist and co-author of The Worm at the Core, argues that our denial of death fuels much of human behavior. From our pursuit of material success to our need for cultural validation, we attempt to distract ourselves from our mortality. So how do we get better at facing death? Here are a few ideas:

• Start Talking: Connect with people you love and have the hard conversations. Talk to your parents about their wishes for the end of life. Write your own will. 

• Observe Other Cultures: Research rituals and practices that resonate with you. Maybe you create an altar to honor loved ones who have died. By observing other death cultures, we realize that our relationship to death is culturally-relative and that there’s room to explore.

• Embrace Death Positivity: There’s a growing movement to normalize discussions about death, from death cafes to end-of-life doula collaboratives. Lean into it. Engage with communities that challenge the status quo.

• Reframe Death as a Teacher: When we accept our mortality, we can relate to every moment as a gift. By facing death, perhaps we can live more fully. 

These quandaries don’t make death any less sad but death isn’t the opposite of life—it’s part of it. And yes, there will be grief. For this, I find solace in the stunning words of Stephen Jenkinson, “Loving and grieving are joined at the hip, for all the beauty, soul and travail that brings. Grief is a way of loving what has slipped from view. Love is a way of grieving that which has not yet done so.” 

Sources:

“Dying in America: Improving Quality and Honoring Individual Preferences near the End of Life.” National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 19 Mar. 2015, pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25927121/. 

Jenkinson, Stephen. Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul. North Atlantic Books, 2015. 

Kablooeymonsters. “Netherlands.” The Funeral Market, 16 Jan. 2024.

Sandoval, Mathew, and Casey Kuhn. “What Is Día de Los Muertos? An Expert Explains the Holiday Celebrating Loved Ones Who Have Died.” PBS, Public Broadcasting Service, 1 Nov. 2023. 

Solomon, Sheldon, et al. The Worm at the Core: On the Role of Death in Life. Tantor Audio, 2015. 

Zand, Sahar. “Living with the Dead.” BBC News, BBC, 18 Apr. 2017, www.bbc.com/news/magazine-39603771.